Title: 3 AM
Pairing(s): One-sided Itoshi/Kanae
Summary: Underneath all the glamour, she's really just a person full of flaws, heart-sized holes and with egoism enough for two.
Length: ~ 1000 words
Author's Notes: Just a little look into Kanae's thoughts on certain aspects of her romantic life or lack of same. Somehow a sequel to Lead [&] Follow.
Kanae couldn’t sleep. Sitting as she was on the windowsill, staring out across the many miles of city stretching out in front of her, just on the other side of the window, she let her thoughts roam freely in a manner she only very rarely allowed herself. Murasaki Eri was a professional, an actress to the core, someone who didn’t let her performance or standards suffer from personal issues. Whatever Yamazaki Kanae was struggling with at a given moment in time never made it into the realm of Kanako, into her troupe or into the interaction she had with fellow troupe members. Takarazuka was (supposed to be) void of everything that formed Kanae. In Takarazuka, a person by the name of Yamazaki Kanae didn’t even exist. Only Murasaki Eri. Only Kanako.
It had always been like this – for the past eleven years. Yet, after she’d transferred to River Troupe, something had changed. Radically. She had joined the troupe, hoping to be granted just a grain of the magic she’d seen unfold on stage, more than willing to pay the price, give herself up (give herself in) to the grabby, greedy hands of the Revue. Kanae hadn’t come this far only to lose to the final distance separating her from her destination. To be where Itoshi-san was.
The thought made her smirk bitterly. To be where Itoshi-san was. During the past months, this motivation seemed to have taken on two different meanings; two means of interpretation. Murasaki Eri still wanted to make top. Ever since she’d first laid eyes on the former top star of Wind Troupe, so many years ago, Kanae had known that it was what she wanted to do, who she wanted to be. She wanted to be that exact kind of woman; a master at bending the limits of her sex and form the setting of a world that could embrace love in its most fantastic forms. However, she’d also slowly seen herself actually wanting to be where Itoshi-san was. To be closer to her. To be closest to her. It was an unsolvable conflict of interests, wasn’t it? To become top, she’d have to see Itoshi-san leave, moving even further out of Kanae’s reach.
Closing her eyes for a brief moment, she relived the sensation of Itoshi-san’s lips against hers. No matter how she tried convincing herself that her top star had felt obliged to react to their flirting as not to hurt Kanae’s feelings or as an uncharacteristically aggressive method to keep their chemistry alive, every explanation she could come up with felt every bit as strained as the more logical part of Kanae’s mind kept telling her they were. The truth was that Kanae was aware of exactly how talented an actress she could be, not at least when it came to her feelings. When she wanted to keep her emotions hidden, her guard was strong enough to withstand everything, even her own bad conscience – and she knew she’d kept her increasingly growing attraction to the other woman as safely concealed as could be. Even from herself. So, the fact remained that tonight it had been Itoshi-san who’d made the first move. Itoshi-san who’d pulled Kanae closer, lips searching for everything that Kanae hadn’t permitted herself to want.
Somewhere deep inside Kanae felt an ugly spark of anger at her upperclassman. Making Kanae forget, if just for a second, that the world was not black and white… Making her forget everything but the insane need to have Itoshi-san kissing her again, without the aftertaste of alcohol or her own restraint… It wasn’t fair. Kanae hadn’t come this far, given so much of her life to the perfectly asexual image of Murasaki Eri, to see it all crumble because one woman decided it could be questioned how far to push the borders between Kanako and Kanae.
If it had only been for her own sake that Kanae had let Itoshi-san walk out the door without giving in to her advances, maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much. If Kanae could have written the rejected look on Itoshi-san’s face off to her own selfishness, she could bear it – but it wasn’t and she couldn’t. Kanae had let Itoshi-san walk out on her because she couldn’t stand the thought of being with Itoshi-san on the terms she’d been with all her previous girlfriends. She wasn’t a great dance partner, and neither was she the ideal lover that she portrayed on stage. Itoshi-san wanted and deserved the best. Kanae couldn’t let her have what was, underneath all the glamour, really just a person full of flaws, heart-sized holes and egoism enough for two.
Sure, Kanae would hurt and break and die a little if and when Itoshi-san eventually realised that she didn’t want her anymore, but she was used to it. She’d tried it before; she’d walked that lane enough times to know that she was a survivor. It was different with Itoshi-san. Kanae knew her way of loving could be tactless and wounding. She knew that there were things she was not willing to compromise, Takarazuka being one of them. Seeing Itoshi-san of all people subjected to the rollercoaster of a ride a relationship to Kanae would no doubt be… no, she couldn’t do that. No matter how much Itoshi-san thought she wanted it. No matter how much Kanae knew she herself wanted it.
Pulling her knees to her chest, Kanae sighed and leaned forward, hiding her face in the crook of her arm. Itoshi-san just had to show Kanae how much she actually wanted her, denial and responsibilities aside, didn’t she? She just had to give her a taste of what she was missing out on… At the memory, her breath hitched in her throat, leaving Mimi-chan’s soft, even breathing to be the only sound to disturb the silence of the hotel room.
Apparently her ken-12 would bear the name of a new girl and be the year of another broken heart. Whose name and whose heart, Kanae wasn’t sure. Yet.